My History Of Video Games
Nintendo:
It all started with NES. Yeah fuck Atari that shit sucks. I had NES I loved it, I played Mario and Zelda, but it was mainly hazy. But fuck it, I wanted the super Nintendo, and I got my super Nintendo and I love that thing like a free prostitute So I played super Nintendo, and I have to say I definitely got my moneys worth, I mean I’ve beaten every game I own at least once.
But then came N64, or Nintendo 64. This really was a big deal cause it was in 3D, and at the time I didn’t really care about how shitty everything looked, it was in 3D. The sad part was, every game was just super Nintendo games with 64 shat out on the end, and crammed into 3D. It was an okay system, but it wasn’t worth selling my NES to get it.
But apparently Nintendo wasn’t done stealing my soul, they had to make a NINTENDO GAMECUBE, which was far from clever. At least they fixed the GOD awful layout of the N64 controller. Ever try playing Resident Evil 2 on an N64? It would actually be easier to survive a zombie apocalypse, then use the N64 remote, the controls are like, C-Up+Z+UP+L+R to move forward. I hated it so much.
Anyway back to the ‘cube. The gamecube was basically a better looking N64. During its first three years it was a pretty solid system, I mean sure it didn’t have DVD player like XBOX and PS2, but it was still nice. And at least they had the common decency to come up with some original names unlike, MARIO 64, or STAR FOX 64. I’d say the gamecubes best games were, Smash Bros., Luigis Mansion, Metal Gear Solid, Mario Sunshine, and….. wait there were other games? (Normally I would include Resident Evil 4 but the thing is, it has been ported to every god damn electronic that has the capability to play games.)
So after roughly five years, I had stopped playing my ‘cube and I had just been waiting for Zelda Twilight Princess to arrive, but instead they just delayed it for years and years. They had Zelda announced before the Nintendo Revolution was even coming out.
Nintendo had announced a new gaming console, I was hyped up and super pumped, I was hoping the Nintendo revolution, would be a revolution. And then one faithful Sunday morning, a Nintendo Power arrived in my mailbox stating a name change, to the Nintendo Wii. A few dozen penis jokes later, this name grew on me.
Now Wii is a hard console to describe (No pun intended you pervert), I mean it has had its hits, but will there be more, and will they actually use the motion sensing for more then retarded 3rd company movie based games *cough* happy feet *cough*. All I know is, I enjoy my Trauma Center, and my Mario Galaxy, and my Super Paper Mario, and my Brawl.
Portable Gaming Systems
So this may seem like a lot of money to spend on games, but this is barely scratching the surface. I haven’t even shown the dent in my wallet. This is where I wasted many funds. The year was 1996 and I was dyeing for a Game boy, I mean it was portable Nintendo, what’s not love. How about EVERYTHING. I mean not only did they system weigh 800 pounds, but this bitch took 4 double-A batteries at a time, just so it could out put its 2 colors (like a yellowish green, and a black), and its stereo sound. You also had to tilt it into the light just to see, although it was pretty cool to change the yellow-green, and black around by tilting it strangely.
Although while you weren’t asking your parents for money for some new double-A’s batteries, it did have some things for entertaining you. Like the Mario Land games, Tetris, Pokemon, and Wario Land, I mean that’s all I had. This system is barely a memory in my mind. I didn’t really care that well, what I do remember though, was the transition over to Game Boy color. Biggest waste of money I’ve ever had.
The Game Boy Color wasn’t even that revolutionary, I mean Nintendo did was make it TINY, and of course add color. They also halved the cost of batteries. This thing only took two batteries. And it had backwards compatablility. Oh joy. Yay. I’m so excited. They tried pawning off making older games colored but they really didn’t, they just added in cheap color changes so instead of black it would be a blueish tint.
The sound was downgraded to MONO which was dick, and the screen was the same size, plus you still had to tilt it towards the light. This was the only way I’d get a tan. My neck was almost as brown as Kyle Olivera. I loved it, but really it wasn’t special, it was just cool for Zelda, and Pokemon games. This upgrade alone cost me like 200$. Like what the fuck was I thinking, YAY Shitting Graphics, Bad Storylines, God Awful Colors, Neck Cramps, and only for the low price of $200 at least.
Nintendo still wanted to eat my wallet. So they decided to make the Game Boy Advance. Ok everybody chill the fuck out here for three seconds, and take a breather because this is the WORST BY FAR money waster. Nintendo made a gameboy advance, which had super Nintendo graphics. I fucking loved this system since I loved my Snes so much. So I begged and pleaded and I finally got it for only $300. The sound was awesome and so was the gameplay but it still took TWO double-A batteries, and it still needed to be tilted into a light. But whatever, it was my favorite portable system. With backwards compatability, and a larger screen, I was addicted to this like a poor kid on crack.
I had megaman, and Mario, and shit fuck you, there are too many great games to name. But here is where Nintendo becomes heartless bastards. After two years, THE GAME BOY ADVANCE SP. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS BITCH IS FUCKING REAL YEAH MOFUCKA. FUCK YEAH, IT HAD A FLIPPY SCREEN, AND A FUCKING CHARGER BATTERY YEAH, AND THEY ADDED A LIGHT. That’s right folks, for $300 more, you got a light in the back of you game, and a charger. The saddest part was I BOUGHT IT, AND LOVED IT. This is when I ditched the original Game Boy Advance.
But the saddest part was, it wasn’t even Nintendo last attempt at keeping this Game Boy alive, was with the GAME BOY MICRO. This was a Game Boy Advance SP, but really small, and shitty for $215 roughly. Now I can only imagine what went on in the board room. Hello ladies and gentleman, we need a new idea. Hey how about we come up with a new console. Or we could make another gameboy advance. Hmmm so a new console eh? That’s a great id- NO YOU FIRED YOU DUMB BITCH, ANOTHER GAMEBOY YEAH! SHIT YES! WE’LL MAKE ANOTHER GAMEBOY! GAME BOY RULES! YEAH. What will we do that’s different? I know we could make it smaller and dumber. But we need a new commercial, DUDE “MOUSES” ARE SMALL! LIKE THE MICRO, LETS MAKE THE MOUSE HUMP THE MICRO, ITS STUPID AND FUNNY AND WHO DOESN’T LOVE MOUSE JIZZ ON THEIR GAME BOY.
This is the first time I said, NO to Nintendo.
Then came the war, the brutal war; Nintendo VS Sony. Nintendo had announced a new game console, dropping the GAME BOY title, they called it the NINTENDO DS. And for once I didn’t beg my parents for it. I bought it off a friend for 50 bucks. Which was nice, I mean, It could only play GAME BOY advance games, and DS games, but who cares, GBC and Game Boy sucked to be honest. It was a good deal all in all.
Anyway this was the first 3D portable system. It has some okay games. Mario is kinda fun, so is the few mega man games. But meh, s’alright, its no GBA.
This is in my opinion where Sony kicked ass. They made their system, and it was really cool, although they had a joystick, that sucked massive balls. PSP is the name of their system, and well it uses really breakable disks. But at the same time, PSP was hackable. And it wasn’t even hard. They gave you the ability to put every console on there. So really this is my favorite thing ever, because it is every video game system put together. So fuck you, best investment I’ve ever made. Its also 3D with a backlight, but seriously I could suck the PSP’s dick all day so I’ll stop here.
Sony
Since I was a child when Snes, was around I was never really exposed to console wars, I just stuck with Nintendo, but when I hit nine, that all changed. The Sony Playstation was released and boy did that surprise me. It not only played 3D games, but! It had a BUILT IN CD PLAYER. WOAH SPIFFY. I mainly got this because Geoff did, and ma did I enjoy it, I remember the first time I played the metal gear solid demo, it was like finally being able to ride a bike.
But the PSX was just a taster for the newer console the PLAYSTATION 2! This is everyone’s favorite console, I mean almost everyone has one. It was pretty sweet, it was like a game cube with better graphics and more badass games. Like seriously when I heard about Metal Gear Solid 2 & 3 I basically shit myself. Like seriously I jizzed 800 times with both of them. It also had a built in DVD player, which is one reason I bought one for my room.
After its very successful launch Sony decided to make a PS3, which everyone would have assumed to be the greatest thing ever, like most people would assume it’d be like peanut butter and chocolate, but it was more like a penis and a toaster. When this thing came out it was full of problems. I mean it had the shittiest launch in history.
Thankfully Blu-ray won the format war, and now the PS3 is actually doing farely well, and hopefully it will be the next ps2. Plus it has Metal Gear Solid 4, I’m about ready to cry from tension. Good Luck MGS4.
Microsoft
So what is really left to talk about? I’ve already gone over Sony and Nintendo, oh wait there is that sad little pathetic company some know as microshit. I mean seriously I’m not a fanboy or anything but enough is enough, and it doesn’t take a blind person to see what happened.
Console gaming has always been more popular then PC gaming, so Microsoft decided to try and make a console. The XBOX. Why its called the XBOX? No one knows, but the best logical explanation I’ve ever heard is from a man called unaware steve, X STANDS FOR THE FUTURE. And I sure hope this isn’t the future because that would be we go really down hill.
Now XBOX was an alright system, I mean they had a remake of Conkers Bad Fur Day, and they had a Metal Gear Solid game, but other then that xbox has really no games. Oh right theres also that overrated FPS Halo. But I’ll save that rant for another time.
The XBOX also had a DVD player, which btw sucked, and they had the worst controller design ever made. I mean sure N64 goofed because they made a controller designed for someone with three arms, Microsoft decided to make a controller for someone with GIANT HANDS. I mean seriously the XBOX had controllers that weighed 9999 pounds. I mean seriously wtf were they thinking. They also made some DUMBASS fucking button outlines. Like seriously, they basically copied the control layout of a PS2, and made it super shitty, with giant round buttons, and they added some really stupid buttons.
The normal controller has a pause and a select button, I mean even wii does, they called it minus and plus. But the XBOX has the WHITE and BLACK buttons, as well as a start button. Now this could have put them somewhere nice on a controller and they did for the first model, but then instead of keeping them near the top of the controller they moved them down by were your hand is grasping the controller. I mean seriously WHAT THE LIVING ASS FUCK WHERE THEY THINKING. But I have to remain calm here. Cause this isn’t the worst thing Microsoft has done.
Well ladies and gentleman, its the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the last gaming console I’ve ever owned, the most biggest waste of money, the dumbest most needless console ever made. The XBOX 360.
Now most of you are probably thinking, Mav you’re a crazy bitch 360 is a good system. Well let me explain. For starters, there was an impending console war coming up between the Wii, 360, and the PS3. So XBOX continuing their trend of random stupid names the decided to add the 360 on the end. Not a 2 a 360. So normally you’d think it’d be a sphere right? Or it’d be really rounded? Cause a 360 degree is a circle? Well no you’re wrong. Maybe 360 stands for how many Mexicans they had to hire to make this bundle of shit.
Anyway Microsoft was scared of this new console war, they were practically pulling an Otacon and pissing everywhere. Since PS2 did everything XBOX did, but better, they wanted to push ahead their 36- before the PS3 to avoid further shame. And what did that bring us? A better controller design and a whole lotta problems.
I mean sure the controller was smaller slicker and wireless but lets just make a note that its basically identical to a ps2 controller, or a game cube controller. Now lets also look at the problem of how faulty it is.
The RROD or Red Rings of Death is something we all know it coming but we don’t want to accept it, a lot like puberty, or old age. Basically red rings are when your console decides it’s been sucking too many balls to continue and it doesn’t want to read your disks or even start up anymore. It actually quits on you, and red little lights appear around the power button.
Every 360 has this, I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE has this. It has happened to me, and every single one of my friends with a 360. Yeah lovely eh? Its actually built to fail. So what do you have to do? Send it away to Microballs for 12 years and they send you a new “refurbished jewbox 420.” I mean they should have called this the xbox 180, so everyone would turn around if they went to play it. You even have to pay for the online, which is TOTAL BULLSHIT, because your 360 will probably break half way through the period you bought. I mean PS3 gives you online demos for free, 360 charges you for online alone.
Now, that’s not to say 360 is the worst thing ever, I mean the n-gage was made. I’ll bitch aboiut that some other time as well. Anyway, fuck I have so much shit to bitch out later! So back to 360, it does have an impressive library of good games, een though it had a year advantage on everything else, it has Gears of War, Mass Effect, Bioshock, Dead Rising, Halo 3, oh wait NEVERMIND ALL OF THOSE GAMES aside from DEAD RISING WILL PROBABLY BE COMING TO THE PC! WITH BETTER GRAPHICS AND FREE ONLINE! JESUS COCKBALLS! Seirously I don’t even understand Microsoft, they make a console to fight pc and then they release every good game they make on pc aside from Dead Rising, with more content and free online, and better graphics. Honestly this was a good awful pile of dogshit, I hope to God my 360 red rings so I can be freed from this endless typhoon of fecal matter and stale urine.
Fuck you Microsoft, you piece of shit.
