I Love Life. [Fictional]

I’m sitting down in my chair in class. My teacher has been talking about something stupid for the past twenty minutes, although I’m not sure how I know that since I stopped listening after five. It’s not like I don’t feel like listening, it’s just, we are presenting a project in about five minutes, and I’ve had this poking feeling in my pants since I sat down. Luckily enough I sit at the back of the class, and I’m by myself.

I’ve tried everything to get rid of this stiff-ee. I mean I’ve stacked textbooks on it. I’ve flicked it, hell I’ve even poked at it with a pencil. The worst part is, nothing caused it at all. My teacher isn’t attractive, my class is almost all males, and my mind wasn’t even dabbling on the lines of an r-rated film. You could almost say thoughts of sugar plums were dancing through my head.

The presentations were about to start and I was terrified for both me and my beaming erection that I was going to be chosen. My teacher out of spite decided to draw straws to pick who goes first. Luckily for me, I wasn’t first. Unlucky for me, the presentations were short.

So the presentation ends and my pants still look like a camping tent, but I know what I have to do. I wait patiently for the commotion to begin; you know the bit, where everyone starts clapping and talking to the person next to them about what just happened or about random other things. I clench my fist, close my mouth, and I punch myself square in the balls. I cringed but it worked, it was an instant floppy.

Ironically enough, we ran out of time for presenting that day, so I guess that was a little bit un-necessary, but if there is one thing I’m self-conscious about its my cock.

Life has never really been good for me; I mean my first girlfriend was a total disaster, schizophrenic and everything. She also had a penis. I although I always thought it was cute when she talked to herself, but I guess you never know with women these days, with their fake tits and their Botox.

I took her out to a nice dinner….. cost me around $70! I even got her back to my place, my parents were on vacation, I had candles and some nice Elton John picked out, I was even gonna let her see my “rocket-man”. Heh I’m clever. It all started with a youth group.

My parents always forced me to go to church, until one day I just go so sick and tired I yelled at the priest while he was in the middle of his sermon. “This is madness!” were his last words before I broke out into a cheap 300 movie sequence. It could have been worse I mean, I could have kicked him.

That ended my church goings, but they still wanted me to be influenced by God in some way or another, and that’s when youth groups came into play. I mean I’m not sure what they were thinking like stick a bunch of teenagers together and make the worship a God? Like hell that would work, but whatever, I went mainly ‘cause I heard there was women there.

And that’s where I met Danny the Tranny (I kill me hahahaha). Her full name was Daniel Scutzofrick, but let’s save the technicalities for later. We got pared up into this ice-breaker type game where we had to act out in different ways. I chose to give myself A.D.D. I figured she chose schizophrenia. I remember thinking to myself, wow she’s really good at this. I found her entertaining, and I decided to ask her out.

We dated for a few months. Although the first time I noticed something odd was when we were at the movies. The fourth Star Wars film just came out and we got a theater all to ourselves thanks to hook ups I had. We were kissing, grasping, and even fondling each other, when I felt something pushing up against my stomach (she was on my lap remember). Although I figured she was just wearing a belt buckle, or maybe she was just loose or something, then again this was the first girl I was ever with so I didn’t think too much of it.

One year passed and she got very attached to me. Well at least half of her did. I often found myself dodging knives. I figured it was just a sort of game she liked to play. One minute she’d be all over me like Michael Jackson on Macaulay Culkin, and then the next it was like I turned into Bill Cosby and she was Kramer. However I found it attractive, a woman being that assertive.

Then came time for the two year anniversary, my parents were out of town on some business thing, and I decided to take her out to Kelsey’s, from what I understand they make good times last? So we went there and damn she looked good. I got them to play her favorite song too. Ironically enough it was super-freak.

I basically kick down the door with my ass while we’re making out, when I tell her to wait two seconds. I sprint up stairs and grab some cologne, and I then light my room on fire to a certain extend to the candles are lit. She comes parading up the stairs and we go onto my bed, when she pulls down her pants and I pull out a rubber. She thanks me, and takes it, and I’m like, “What? Ha…ha…?”

She was heart broken, I’m not sure why though, maybe when I puked on her. That’s also when I realized she was schizophrenic. She was balling her eyes out when suddenly, she started laughing, whispering “Freedom…FREEDOM!” She fucking lunges at me with a poker stick for a fire place, and now I realize she isn’t playing around. Thankfully she was a klutz, and well she fell down the stairs and broke her ankle.

Stunned by this I decided to piss on her, and then call the police. She now lives in West Virginia Penitentiary, where her days are very routine, and lonely. But hey at least she can talk to herself right?