The Job Interview
Right now I’m sitting in what must be one of the most boring rooms I have ever seen in my life. The stains on the ceiling resemble what I can only hope is water stains, even though they look just like urine. Man this office is a dump. It just reeks of consistency and blandnessissity.
On top of this my nipples are hard. Very hard, I mean they are stiffer then diamonds. That’s how cold it is in here. Seriously, they can’t even afford in-door heating? Its late fall; you’d think they would at least have those little shitty radiators that schools have. But I guess I can’t blame my nipple state on completely on the quality of the office, it all started with a man’s wiener in my mouth.
Earlier today I was awoken by my answering machine. It was making that weird clicking noise that it makes right before a message is played. That’s right, I still have an answering machine from the 90’s. Anyway, as I was saying err narrating, an unfamiliar voice started emitting from my voice-box or whatever so I roll over and fall out of bed and become slightly more attentive since the fall. Basically in a nutshell the message was about a job offer testing video games over at some hole in the wall dump.
I really didn’t want this job. I really didn’t want a job at all, but when I remembered that the administration of electricity cut off the power to my house, it was a bit of a wake up call.
So I open my wallet and realize I’m more poor then little Ombia on TBS in the afternoon. That’s about when I decided to dive into my couch and start digging around for change. I manage to find enough money for bus fare, with a bit left over. I debate shaving, but I don’t really have a razor right now so I guess I’m stuck with the scruffy look, but come on, what gamer isn’t scruffy looking right?
So I start to jog over to the bus stop because my job interview starts in like 40 minutes, and I buy a hot dog from some Hindu guy on the way to the office. I then deposit my bus fare and chill with my hot dog. It feels like I haven’t eaten in days. I’m starving like Ombia too, man I have too much in common with third world children…
So I cram this wiener in my mouth and some ketchup drips onto the only good shirt I own. YAY ME! So I start trying to get this stain out of my shirt before I get to the office and by the time I get there, I have this huge wet spot on my chest, which also adds onto the firmness of my nipple, and that brings us up to par, with my hard nips, and the bland office.
After what feels like hours of waiting my boss or whatever finally decides to call me in. I shake his hand we sit down. “How did you like the lobby? We just did some work on it.” They just did some work on it…I can’t believe he just said they just did some work on the office. This man had one of those white man goatee things that most sports dads have. You know the kind of facial hair that says, I’m a casual dad with three kids, but don’t mess with me because I can get strict if I want to. You know the type.
“I love this office. It feels so professional. I really like how you made all of it match by making it all white.” By this point I’m choking on my words. I can barely take the ramming of this mans cock down my throat. That’s a metaphor by the way. Really, I wonder who the renovator was, Stephen Hawking perhaps? But hey, I’ll say whatever I have to, to get this job.
“That’s very good. So why do you think you would make a good employee here? What different skills do you have? Blah Blah Blah, I’m a huge douche bag.” Okay he didn’t really say the last part.
“I believe I’m a great people person. I’m a go getter. I’m also extremely honest and I have a great sense of humor, yet when faced with a serious scenario I can be more stern then Donald Trump.” I feel like my teeth are going to fall out I’m lying through them so hard.
“Those are all good skills. Why do you feel you need this job?” I can practically see the crumbs falling out of his beard. The rolls on his face flap with each spoken word.
“Well I could really use some cash, but I’d also like to help out the gaming community.” I really wish I would have worn sunglasses; his bald head is just so bright. He has one of those hair styles a lot like Caesar’s little leafy crown thing.
“Ah yes well, here at TNX Inc. we believe in helping out our fellow gamers with top quality games, with as few glitches as possible.” Top quality games? My voice-box is probably newer then their last popular title.
“I agree completely,” but not really.
“Do you have any questions?” This is the make it or break it point, the point where I have to make an impression, one that will make me memorable.
“Why yes, how old is that beautiful young girl there?” She was about seven or eight-ish judging from appearance. Maybe if I can spark a light conversation and make a joke or two he’ll remember me and hire me.
“You mean my daughter. Why she must be around 7 or 8 now. Kids grow up so fast you know? The other day we were going out for ice cream and she said the dandiest thing….. That girl sure does love her golf…. She was the best swimmer in her class…. I really think she has potential, she’s like a young Madonna….” My God! Does this man ever shut up? He’s talks more then a European soccer fanatic during the FIFA world cup.
I checked my chin to see if I had grown a beard within the time he talked about his “little love.” I could probably write a biography on her. Anyway that’s not the point, the real point is, I got the job, and I start next week. That’s not what is exciting me though, what I’m real anxious to see what happens next with, is that lady at the desk who was making flirty eyes with me…..
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