I Can't Make Eggs.

I Can't Make Eggs

Christina: Mavvvvv my babyyyyy, how ya feelin?

QMav: I'm feeling pretty good, ‘cept I wasted some eggs

Christina: How?

QMav: Well it all starts with a movie, and last night. So I’m sitting on my computer talking to an exceptionally pretty girl when she says she needs some sleep, ‘cause she’s skiing and she has some church function to go to. So I say to myself, “Well I’ll let her go.” Cause I’m a modest Gentleman. And she goes away, I shed a single manly tear, eat some pudding, go downstairs
and pop in a movie I rented based only on the main actor, who is none other then Ryan Reynolds.

So I’m watching this movie and its basically a guy burning some clothing, it was entertaining
he then drives up to some kids and asks for some crack, they give him crack, he picks up a whore, she shows him how to use the crack, they go loopy. Then he gets arrested and sentenced to house arrest because instead of just burning his ex girlfriends stuff, he burnt her house down too. So he has house arrest and he’s stuck inside someone else’s house for house arrest cause I guess he’s homeless or something, and then yeah the movie was divided into three parts, and I got to about part two before I fell asleep, but when I awoke I decided to finish watching this movie and it ended and I liked it and there were many plot twists, and confusing uncomprehendable parts. But hey I liked it, and we should go see it, BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THE MOVIE.

Christina: LOL

QMav: I finally decide to wake up and I wobble up onto my feet, and I stumble a little
I realize my legs are super uber weak because I haven’t used them in a while so I’m all stumbly
I start trying to make a plan for my day which I’ve already fucked up mind you and well
I say, “I guess I’ll piss first, so I go do my business, then I realize I'm starving, and not like “man I could eat a burger” kinda hungry, like I'm actually starving I mean my stomach, felt skinnier. As if I wanted it to go out more but it wouldn't. That’s how hungry I am.

So basically I go upstairs and look for food and I say to myself, “I can make eggs, I mean look at them I gotta have some substance right?” Even though I’d be fine with pudding, it looks so good
but I guess I’ll have some eggs. So I try and remember like ten years ago when my grandma was all, “Mav I’m going to teach you how to make eggs.” ‘Cause that’s all I could make cause she showed me and I felt like the shit cause all my friends were like, “I had cereal for breakfast and I made it on my own!” and I was all “FUCK YOU, I can make eggs!” Okay, so yeah I think back and I remember once I was going to make my parents breakfast in bed and I remember I forgot to butter the bowl and the eggs got all stuck to it so I'm like.... BUTTER THE BOWL! So do that
which was pretty easy and I grab an egg I crack it and I dump it into my cooking bowl thing
and I’m like, “Well this doesn't look like breakfast, I think I’m missing something,” so I grab the milk and I'm like, “Should I measure it?” ... Oh well not like it matters I mean its not like I’d know how much to put in anyway.

So I kinda guestimate how much to put in and I guess I put in too much cause like the egg was drowning and stuff so I’m like maybe if I increase the egg to milk ratio I can save the egg. So I crack its unborn brother into the milk and it starts drowning too, so I'm like now I’m missing something maybe I should add another ingredient I think there is something more to scrambled eggs aside from milk and eggs… Hmm oh well, so I dump some pepper and salt in so now it just looks kinda black like spots there’s little itty bitty spots on my eggs and I'm like well this already looks wrong I guess I'll stir it. 
So I do and it goes like this creamy mocha color, so I'm like well I guess I can't do much more for it lets roast the motherfucker! So I cram it in the microwave for like 1 and a half minutes
and it starts cooking, and I’m like, “Well who says you can't have dessert before the meal
is it a law?” I mean honestly I’m gonna eat them both anyway right? That’s what I’m thinking as I’m eating a pudding watching my eggs cook. 

One second, I have to put something in to eat, ok I’m back, I hope to God you're reading all of this. So anyway my eggs finish cooking just as I finish eating my pudding and I throw my pudding garbage out and check out my eggs hoping to God they look normal and to my surprise
they do. Although they're a bit milk colored they look eatable. So I’m like well lets scramble them
and I do and its all liquid—ee at the bottom so I'm like well that sucks I guess I’ll put it in for another minute. 

So I do and I wait wondering if I should eat another pudding, but I don't. And the little buzzer thing on the microwave goes off so I'm like, “That’s good I can eat now, I'm starving and I open up the thing and I hear like an explosion or something coming from my eggs and I duck and I’m like, “WTF, WHY ARE MY EGGS EXPLODING!!!” And then I’m like well I guess they're done exploding right?

WRONG! THEY EXPLODE AGAIN! And I’m like, “CLOSE DOOR!” So I close the microwave door
and I hear a couple more explosions, so I’m like, “I'm just gonna let that settle down.” So that’s when I decide to turn on the computer WHICH COMPLETELY RUINED MY PLANS! 

So I wait a few minutes and go back to my eggs, stir it around, and now they look slightly dry, and I take a bite, and it tastes just like egg yolk, like that’s really gross, so I don't eat it, and I throw it out, and that’s how i wasted two eggs this morning.