Beaches? Beachs....How Do You Even Spell That?
My parents told me we were going to the beach and i thought of it to be more of a hassle then a privllage. Its jsut something about the sand, and how its everywhere, and how the water is soo dirty, and how theres soo many babies in diapers, and how theres cigarettes everywhere...It gives me that camp like feel when im finally ready to go home.
That feeling where you have to shower, and you feel soo soo dirty. And not the good kind. I hate the sand all over you, and it basically makes you clip your toe-nails. You hate the sand. Its just soo annoying. I might be able to have fun if i was with friends.
Now i’d take going to the beach over camping because camping is just plain retarded. I used to only like fires when i went camping but now i have a firepit so why would i bother. Its just plain pointless. Its like going back in technology. Lets leave all the stuff at home that we worked for, and go to a forrest thats buig infested, and sit around and eat food thats meant for jail-bate rapists.
Now once again camping would be more fun if it was liek for two days only, and you had friends. Honestly though, i hate bathrooms, too many spiders and god knows what else in there. I hate public bathrooms. I really fucking hate them.
I avoid these every chance i get because they just feel soo damn weird. The stalls have spaces, and i feel exposed. The toilets arn’t even a full circle, so you have to sit on an angle and then the next thing you know is your feet are pushing into the next stall, fucking weird. And as if this couldn’t get any worse, you have no idea who used the seat before you, so you could have just got crabs.
But no it gets even worse, you really had to go, and the toilet is now clogged, so your stuck in a stall, with wastes slowly filling about to erupt and what can you do. Hope to god no one is in the bathroom, and you slip over ot the next stall, you better pray to god you didn’t get any shit on you.
So say in fact you did get some poo on you. You whipe it off with toilet paper, and its now smeared on you. So what can you do? Go to the sink,
you try and wash it off, and if someone comes into the bathroom, your fucked. Girls are always like OMIGOD I GOT TOILET PAPERZ ON MAH FOOT! :’( :’( But imagine walking out of the bathroom all wet with shit on you. Thats way worse.
Just hope to god your wearing brown pants. Because if your wearing white or black, your screwed. Now if you wanna make an excuse i recommend comming back to class with a bottle of water half empty. Also spray a bunch of axe on you to cover the smell. Tell them you were drinking a bottle of water, and some older kids came up to you and dumped some of you water on you, then say they sprayed you with axe. Punch yourself in the face to show that you gave some resistance.
Well anyway, thats never happened to me, because i avoid public bathrooms. Well anyway all im trying to say here is i don’t like beaches, beachs, or beachlets, whatever.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Restrooms. (Christina WAS My Girlfriend)
Restrooms
I really can’t express my ultimate hate for the public restroom with words. My passion to loathe restrooms began again around 7:30 PM. I had just finished devouring my supper. I had talked to Christina about meeting her half way to her house so I wouldn’t have to walk alone. She was reluctant to do so, but eventually I got her to do it.
So she starts talking about how it is too chilly outside and what not, but I decide to challenge her recent knowledge of the weather with my completely unsupported theory from within my basement by saying, “No Christina, it is very warm out. “ This is when I decided to grab the Smarties ice cream to prove my manliness.
It turns out it wasn’t warm out and I wasn’t hungry, so it was a stupid mistake. What makes it even stupider is the fact that my spoon broke after two minutes of walking. I was left with not only cold hands, but no tools to eat the ice cream with. But fuck it; from the ice cream I DID get to eat, it turns out that made my stomach feel like a winery. I didn’t want it anymore.
So I finally meet up with Christina and I explain my stomach pains to her through clever metaphor and I tell her I need to use a bathroom at timmies. So I go into the bathroom and my God it was the worst bathroom experience I have EVER had. Not only did they have those shitty little toilet seats that aren’t the full circle, but they didn’t even have ACTUAL toilet rolls; they had fucking wipes. Not only were they wipes, but they were fucking ONE - PLY WIPES! LIKE WHAT THE DICK SHITS IS THAT?! HONESTLY. The only reason you’re using a restroom at timmies is because you can’t hold it in any longer, so obviously you are going to take a big shit.
Yet they still give you a one-ply shit wipe. By the time I took in all of this information I completely forgot about my need to poop.
On the bright side it smelt nice, and they had brail on the doors.
Ironically enough, I had a very good experience the night before. Welcome to the Keg. I was at the keg for my step mother’s birthday. I realized that I don’t like the Keg that much. I mean the waitress we had was nice, but on another note, the only food you can order there is steak, and seafood, and fajitas. Well that just sucks the big one because I’m not a huge fan of fajitas or steak, or seafood. I order the chicken fajita and I eat one, and I say fuck it to the rest, my tummy hurts too much.
That’s when I decide to use the restroom. It was very nice. Although the door into it was completely transparent, so it felt kind of revealing, I still enjoyed it. The washroom had an actual full circle toilet seat, and they had 1.5-ply toilet paper ROLLS. It was relaxing, although the toilet was clogged.
I also got cake later that night free of charge.
On a completely different note, I went over to my best friend’s house and I found out he had a sister. I’m the worst best friend ever. We played Wario Ware. That game is racist. Just because I was a black angel it never picked me to go? FUCK YOU WARIO YOU RACIST PIECE OF SNICKER SHIT.
I really can’t express my ultimate hate for the public restroom with words. My passion to loathe restrooms began again around 7:30 PM. I had just finished devouring my supper. I had talked to Christina about meeting her half way to her house so I wouldn’t have to walk alone. She was reluctant to do so, but eventually I got her to do it.
So she starts talking about how it is too chilly outside and what not, but I decide to challenge her recent knowledge of the weather with my completely unsupported theory from within my basement by saying, “No Christina, it is very warm out. “ This is when I decided to grab the Smarties ice cream to prove my manliness.
It turns out it wasn’t warm out and I wasn’t hungry, so it was a stupid mistake. What makes it even stupider is the fact that my spoon broke after two minutes of walking. I was left with not only cold hands, but no tools to eat the ice cream with. But fuck it; from the ice cream I DID get to eat, it turns out that made my stomach feel like a winery. I didn’t want it anymore.
So I finally meet up with Christina and I explain my stomach pains to her through clever metaphor and I tell her I need to use a bathroom at timmies. So I go into the bathroom and my God it was the worst bathroom experience I have EVER had. Not only did they have those shitty little toilet seats that aren’t the full circle, but they didn’t even have ACTUAL toilet rolls; they had fucking wipes. Not only were they wipes, but they were fucking ONE - PLY WIPES! LIKE WHAT THE DICK SHITS IS THAT?! HONESTLY. The only reason you’re using a restroom at timmies is because you can’t hold it in any longer, so obviously you are going to take a big shit.
Yet they still give you a one-ply shit wipe. By the time I took in all of this information I completely forgot about my need to poop.
On the bright side it smelt nice, and they had brail on the doors.
Ironically enough, I had a very good experience the night before. Welcome to the Keg. I was at the keg for my step mother’s birthday. I realized that I don’t like the Keg that much. I mean the waitress we had was nice, but on another note, the only food you can order there is steak, and seafood, and fajitas. Well that just sucks the big one because I’m not a huge fan of fajitas or steak, or seafood. I order the chicken fajita and I eat one, and I say fuck it to the rest, my tummy hurts too much.
That’s when I decide to use the restroom. It was very nice. Although the door into it was completely transparent, so it felt kind of revealing, I still enjoyed it. The washroom had an actual full circle toilet seat, and they had 1.5-ply toilet paper ROLLS. It was relaxing, although the toilet was clogged.
I also got cake later that night free of charge.
On a completely different note, I went over to my best friend’s house and I found out he had a sister. I’m the worst best friend ever. We played Wario Ware. That game is racist. Just because I was a black angel it never picked me to go? FUCK YOU WARIO YOU RACIST PIECE OF SNICKER SHIT.
Friday, April 18, 2008
The Job Interview (To Be Continued)
The Job Interview
Right now I’m sitting in what must be one of the most boring rooms I have ever seen in my life. The stains on the ceiling resemble what I can only hope is water stains, even though they look just like urine. Man this office is a dump. It just reeks of consistency and blandnessissity.
After what feels like hours of waiting my boss or whatever finally decides to call me in. I shake his hand we sit down. “How did you like the lobby? We just did some work on it.” They just did some work on it…I can’t believe he just said they just did some work on the office. This man had one of those white man goatee things that most sports dads have. You know the kind of facial hair that says, I’m a casual dad with three kids, but don’t mess with me because I can get strict if I want to. You know the type.
“I love this office. It feels so professional. I really like how you made all of it match by making it all white.” By this point I’m choking on my words. I can barely take the ramming of this mans cock down my throat. That’s a metaphor by the way. Really, I wonder who the renovator was, Stephen Hawking perhaps? But hey, I’ll say whatever I have to, to get this job.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Another Ficiton.
Alone Together
A man sits alone in his room. He is counting the tiles on his ceiling as spiders etch webs in the darkened damped corners of the room. “1….2….3…4,” he whispers to himself. He is all alone, putting aside his friend Tom. Tom has always been with him for his whole entire life. He can’t live without him. Tom has always made sure he was in line, until one night, one night when everything went horribly wrong.
It was his Prom night. Everyone had dates, even Tom. Sadly however no one would go with him to prom. It seemed as if Tom had betrayed him. He was barely talking to him at all. In fact the only thing that kept him from going crazy were his human emotions. He had felt the icy embrace of sorrow, grasping his lungs. He could not yell, or cry. He could just sit there, and wait for prom to end.
However, when prom night did end, the feelings didn’t end for our man here, and Tom did not know why. He felt confused, lost and scared for he was constantly being threatened ever since prom night. Tom promised to help him get revenge, revenge on the whole school for abandoning him. Thankfully for Tom, the rekindling of the school rekindled their friendship.
It was all going up in flames, the school, every betrayal, and the icy sorrow that gripped his heart. His sadness was all gone, and a lot like the school, his soul was burning with an intensity to live in which he has not felt for years. They would all pay- this was his purpose.
Someone was running. He didn’t like running nor did Tom, so they chased this girl. He remembered who this girl was. It was the girl who stole Tom from him on prom night. Death was a reasonable punishment. He dove at her and started to whale on her face. There was a crack here, and a crack there. After a minute or so she started to vomit blood all over his pants. She could barely manage to weeze out the words, “Tom….why? Why would you do this to me?” And suddenly it all made sense. Tom wasn’t his friend. Tom wasn’t even a figment of his imagination. He was a figment of Tom’s. Sadly for her, Tom was no more.
Tom didn’t like the blood on his pants, nor did his counter-part. “YOU BITCH! THESE ARE NEW JEANS!” He continued to turn her face into a pile of mush. Laughter turned into crying as sadness turned into anxiety. All sorts of emotions flowed through Tom, but there is one he will never forget. The cold feeling that swept through his being as the handcuffs clicked on his wrists, or the way his heart dropped when the judge hit the his desk with the mallet.
Years later, Tom did come back. They rejoiced their friendship in the comfort of a nice padded room, where dinner came three times a day, and where he had a toilet all to himself.
A man sits alone in his room. He is counting the tiles on his ceiling as spiders etch webs in the darkened damped corners of the room. “1….2….3…4,” he whispers to himself. He is all alone, putting aside his friend Tom. Tom has always been with him for his whole entire life. He can’t live without him. Tom has always made sure he was in line, until one night, one night when everything went horribly wrong.
It was his Prom night. Everyone had dates, even Tom. Sadly however no one would go with him to prom. It seemed as if Tom had betrayed him. He was barely talking to him at all. In fact the only thing that kept him from going crazy were his human emotions. He had felt the icy embrace of sorrow, grasping his lungs. He could not yell, or cry. He could just sit there, and wait for prom to end.
However, when prom night did end, the feelings didn’t end for our man here, and Tom did not know why. He felt confused, lost and scared for he was constantly being threatened ever since prom night. Tom promised to help him get revenge, revenge on the whole school for abandoning him. Thankfully for Tom, the rekindling of the school rekindled their friendship.
It was all going up in flames, the school, every betrayal, and the icy sorrow that gripped his heart. His sadness was all gone, and a lot like the school, his soul was burning with an intensity to live in which he has not felt for years. They would all pay- this was his purpose.
Someone was running. He didn’t like running nor did Tom, so they chased this girl. He remembered who this girl was. It was the girl who stole Tom from him on prom night. Death was a reasonable punishment. He dove at her and started to whale on her face. There was a crack here, and a crack there. After a minute or so she started to vomit blood all over his pants. She could barely manage to weeze out the words, “Tom….why? Why would you do this to me?” And suddenly it all made sense. Tom wasn’t his friend. Tom wasn’t even a figment of his imagination. He was a figment of Tom’s. Sadly for her, Tom was no more.
Tom didn’t like the blood on his pants, nor did his counter-part. “YOU BITCH! THESE ARE NEW JEANS!” He continued to turn her face into a pile of mush. Laughter turned into crying as sadness turned into anxiety. All sorts of emotions flowed through Tom, but there is one he will never forget. The cold feeling that swept through his being as the handcuffs clicked on his wrists, or the way his heart dropped when the judge hit the his desk with the mallet.
Years later, Tom did come back. They rejoiced their friendship in the comfort of a nice padded room, where dinner came three times a day, and where he had a toilet all to himself.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The Internet
The internet
Loved by teens, and hated by adults, where does Mav fit in? Well I’m glad you didn’t ask. I’m assuming you all just think I love the internet, which isn’t entirely true. I mean putting all of the great things aside, like internet stalkers, porno-viruses, and extreme lag, the internet does have a lot of flaws.
Ever get really hyped up, and “excited” and think to yourself, google you’re my new best friend? You then mash the link and get your free cheap b-movie porn- you know, the type of movie that relies on alliteration to make a clever title (Prissy’s Pussy or Sandy’s Sanctum). Well you’ll often find yourself researching he same things later, and you’ll notice every site you’ve visited is purple. Like honestly its as if your internet is tattling on you, HEY GUYS! LOOK MAV WAS LOOKING AT PORN!
It also likes to stab you in the back by giving you viruses from seemingly safe sites. I mean who would have guessed, a site as harmless as Leopets (a neopets rip off) would give you a virus in which ugly naked women pop up on your screen moaning and yelling while their fat Italian boy-toy plays with them.
The internet also likes to lie to me a lot. I mean seriously gasoline theoretically should put out fire due to the fact that it is a liquid. But oh no, thanks to physics apparently gasoline is flammable, so it makes fire bigger. There are also a lot of random conspiracy theories. Like the 23 conspiracy, which is basically someone noticing the number 23 is like everywhere. I mean, what purpose does that serve? A shitty Jim Carey movie; that’s what it fucking serves you.
But hey I guess all of the bad things about the internet are what give it part of its allure, so I’m not going to stop using it. Its little quirks have grown on me after a few years.
Loved by teens, and hated by adults, where does Mav fit in? Well I’m glad you didn’t ask. I’m assuming you all just think I love the internet, which isn’t entirely true. I mean putting all of the great things aside, like internet stalkers, porno-viruses, and extreme lag, the internet does have a lot of flaws.
Ever get really hyped up, and “excited” and think to yourself, google you’re my new best friend? You then mash the link and get your free cheap b-movie porn- you know, the type of movie that relies on alliteration to make a clever title (Prissy’s Pussy or Sandy’s Sanctum). Well you’ll often find yourself researching he same things later, and you’ll notice every site you’ve visited is purple. Like honestly its as if your internet is tattling on you, HEY GUYS! LOOK MAV WAS LOOKING AT PORN!
It also likes to stab you in the back by giving you viruses from seemingly safe sites. I mean who would have guessed, a site as harmless as Leopets (a neopets rip off) would give you a virus in which ugly naked women pop up on your screen moaning and yelling while their fat Italian boy-toy plays with them.
The internet also likes to lie to me a lot. I mean seriously gasoline theoretically should put out fire due to the fact that it is a liquid. But oh no, thanks to physics apparently gasoline is flammable, so it makes fire bigger. There are also a lot of random conspiracy theories. Like the 23 conspiracy, which is basically someone noticing the number 23 is like everywhere. I mean, what purpose does that serve? A shitty Jim Carey movie; that’s what it fucking serves you.
But hey I guess all of the bad things about the internet are what give it part of its allure, so I’m not going to stop using it. Its little quirks have grown on me after a few years.
Men
Men
Guys are stupid. I mean honestly, not only are we hypocritical but we also praise ourselves for the dumbest things. Yo G-Dawg Majiggy Jiggy, guess who I had sex with? yo g hommie-dawg? Yo mama bizizle. I mean seriously, that is the dumbest thing I have ever typed into a computer, and I’ve written a lot of stupid shit.
A lot of men also find it manly to just beat the shit out of each other, drink a lot of alcohol and talk sports, but really, why is all of that considered manly? And why do the manlier drinks have to taste like sweaty asshole. I mean, maybe it’s just me, like maybe drinking has to grow on you or some shit, but whenever I’ve taken a sip or two of beer, its tasted like complete garbage. And yet when I’ve tried a cooler, it was alright, yet it is considered fruiter. Since when have men decided that manlier beverages are more digusting. Yo dawg, this shit be good tastin yo! Pff u’z a panz-ee mofucka, drink sum of dis mofukin urine with salt dawg. ITS FUCKING REAL HOME TRIGGA.
Fuck alcohol.
Anyway things that are classified as manly aren’t fun usually, yet geekier things are, for instance:
Manly:
- Fighting until someone is bleeding
- Drinking massive amounts of disgusting beverages then vomiting the next morning
- Playing tackle football topless
- Sweating
- “feeling the burn”
- Getting blisters
- Scars
- Making fun of people
- Cheating on girlfriends with their best friends
Geeky:
- Playing video games for more then three hours a day
- Talking about PWNING NUBS
- Yelling hacks in RL
- Using abbreviations in RL
- Saying lol’ing in RL
- Referring to Real Life as RL
- Correcting Peoples Grammar
- Challenging people to Mario Kart
- Watching anime
- Playing board games
- Reading
- Blogging
And the list goes on, but you get the idea. I guess what I’m really saying here is, MANLY MEN are stupid, and well geeky guys are way better. But since most geeky men have skin whiter then Marylyn Manson, with more acne then the coyote from Looney Toons (yes you fucking faggots, I know it’s actually called Acme), we don’t get the time of day.
But none of this is to say that women aren’t the dumbest people ever. I mean most women are very unclear about what they’re saying, AND they always assume they’re right in scenarios in which they are wrong. But sadly I cannot bash women, or else I’m considered sexist even though I just bashed men.
So all in all, I have come to the conclusion that the human race, is made up of IDIOTS.
Guys are stupid. I mean honestly, not only are we hypocritical but we also praise ourselves for the dumbest things. Yo G-Dawg Majiggy Jiggy, guess who I had sex with? yo g hommie-dawg? Yo mama bizizle. I mean seriously, that is the dumbest thing I have ever typed into a computer, and I’ve written a lot of stupid shit.
A lot of men also find it manly to just beat the shit out of each other, drink a lot of alcohol and talk sports, but really, why is all of that considered manly? And why do the manlier drinks have to taste like sweaty asshole. I mean, maybe it’s just me, like maybe drinking has to grow on you or some shit, but whenever I’ve taken a sip or two of beer, its tasted like complete garbage. And yet when I’ve tried a cooler, it was alright, yet it is considered fruiter. Since when have men decided that manlier beverages are more digusting. Yo dawg, this shit be good tastin yo! Pff u’z a panz-ee mofucka, drink sum of dis mofukin urine with salt dawg. ITS FUCKING REAL HOME TRIGGA.
Fuck alcohol.
Anyway things that are classified as manly aren’t fun usually, yet geekier things are, for instance:
Manly:
- Fighting until someone is bleeding
- Drinking massive amounts of disgusting beverages then vomiting the next morning
- Playing tackle football topless
- Sweating
- “feeling the burn”
- Getting blisters
- Scars
- Making fun of people
- Cheating on girlfriends with their best friends
Geeky:
- Playing video games for more then three hours a day
- Talking about PWNING NUBS
- Yelling hacks in RL
- Using abbreviations in RL
- Saying lol’ing in RL
- Referring to Real Life as RL
- Correcting Peoples Grammar
- Challenging people to Mario Kart
- Watching anime
- Playing board games
- Reading
- Blogging
And the list goes on, but you get the idea. I guess what I’m really saying here is, MANLY MEN are stupid, and well geeky guys are way better. But since most geeky men have skin whiter then Marylyn Manson, with more acne then the coyote from Looney Toons (yes you fucking faggots, I know it’s actually called Acme), we don’t get the time of day.
But none of this is to say that women aren’t the dumbest people ever. I mean most women are very unclear about what they’re saying, AND they always assume they’re right in scenarios in which they are wrong. But sadly I cannot bash women, or else I’m considered sexist even though I just bashed men.
So all in all, I have come to the conclusion that the human race, is made up of IDIOTS.
Monday, April 7, 2008
I Love Life. [Fictional]
I’m sitting down in my chair in class. My teacher has been talking about something stupid for the past twenty minutes, although I’m not sure how I know that since I stopped listening after five. It’s not like I don’t feel like listening, it’s just, we are presenting a project in about five minutes, and I’ve had this poking feeling in my pants since I sat down. Luckily enough I sit at the back of the class, and I’m by myself.
I’ve tried everything to get rid of this stiff-ee. I mean I’ve stacked textbooks on it. I’ve flicked it, hell I’ve even poked at it with a pencil. The worst part is, nothing caused it at all. My teacher isn’t attractive, my class is almost all males, and my mind wasn’t even dabbling on the lines of an r-rated film. You could almost say thoughts of sugar plums were dancing through my head.
The presentations were about to start and I was terrified for both me and my beaming erection that I was going to be chosen. My teacher out of spite decided to draw straws to pick who goes first. Luckily for me, I wasn’t first. Unlucky for me, the presentations were short.
So the presentation ends and my pants still look like a camping tent, but I know what I have to do. I wait patiently for the commotion to begin; you know the bit, where everyone starts clapping and talking to the person next to them about what just happened or about random other things. I clench my fist, close my mouth, and I punch myself square in the balls. I cringed but it worked, it was an instant floppy.
Ironically enough, we ran out of time for presenting that day, so I guess that was a little bit un-necessary, but if there is one thing I’m self-conscious about its my cock.
Life has never really been good for me; I mean my first girlfriend was a total disaster, schizophrenic and everything. She also had a penis. I although I always thought it was cute when she talked to herself, but I guess you never know with women these days, with their fake tits and their Botox.
I took her out to a nice dinner….. cost me around $70! I even got her back to my place, my parents were on vacation, I had candles and some nice Elton John picked out, I was even gonna let her see my “rocket-man”. Heh I’m clever. It all started with a youth group.
My parents always forced me to go to church, until one day I just go so sick and tired I yelled at the priest while he was in the middle of his sermon. “This is madness!” were his last words before I broke out into a cheap 300 movie sequence. It could have been worse I mean, I could have kicked him.
That ended my church goings, but they still wanted me to be influenced by God in some way or another, and that’s when youth groups came into play. I mean I’m not sure what they were thinking like stick a bunch of teenagers together and make the worship a God? Like hell that would work, but whatever, I went mainly ‘cause I heard there was women there.
And that’s where I met Danny the Tranny (I kill me hahahaha). Her full name was Daniel Scutzofrick, but let’s save the technicalities for later. We got pared up into this ice-breaker type game where we had to act out in different ways. I chose to give myself A.D.D. I figured she chose schizophrenia. I remember thinking to myself, wow she’s really good at this. I found her entertaining, and I decided to ask her out.
We dated for a few months. Although the first time I noticed something odd was when we were at the movies. The fourth Star Wars film just came out and we got a theater all to ourselves thanks to hook ups I had. We were kissing, grasping, and even fondling each other, when I felt something pushing up against my stomach (she was on my lap remember). Although I figured she was just wearing a belt buckle, or maybe she was just loose or something, then again this was the first girl I was ever with so I didn’t think too much of it.
One year passed and she got very attached to me. Well at least half of her did. I often found myself dodging knives. I figured it was just a sort of game she liked to play. One minute she’d be all over me like Michael Jackson on Macaulay Culkin, and then the next it was like I turned into Bill Cosby and she was Kramer. However I found it attractive, a woman being that assertive.
Then came time for the two year anniversary, my parents were out of town on some business thing, and I decided to take her out to Kelsey’s, from what I understand they make good times last? So we went there and damn she looked good. I got them to play her favorite song too. Ironically enough it was super-freak.
I basically kick down the door with my ass while we’re making out, when I tell her to wait two seconds. I sprint up stairs and grab some cologne, and I then light my room on fire to a certain extend to the candles are lit. She comes parading up the stairs and we go onto my bed, when she pulls down her pants and I pull out a rubber. She thanks me, and takes it, and I’m like, “What? Ha…ha…?”
She was heart broken, I’m not sure why though, maybe when I puked on her. That’s also when I realized she was schizophrenic. She was balling her eyes out when suddenly, she started laughing, whispering “Freedom…FREEDOM!” She fucking lunges at me with a poker stick for a fire place, and now I realize she isn’t playing around. Thankfully she was a klutz, and well she fell down the stairs and broke her ankle.
Stunned by this I decided to piss on her, and then call the police. She now lives in West Virginia Penitentiary, where her days are very routine, and lonely. But hey at least she can talk to herself right?
I’ve tried everything to get rid of this stiff-ee. I mean I’ve stacked textbooks on it. I’ve flicked it, hell I’ve even poked at it with a pencil. The worst part is, nothing caused it at all. My teacher isn’t attractive, my class is almost all males, and my mind wasn’t even dabbling on the lines of an r-rated film. You could almost say thoughts of sugar plums were dancing through my head.
The presentations were about to start and I was terrified for both me and my beaming erection that I was going to be chosen. My teacher out of spite decided to draw straws to pick who goes first. Luckily for me, I wasn’t first. Unlucky for me, the presentations were short.
So the presentation ends and my pants still look like a camping tent, but I know what I have to do. I wait patiently for the commotion to begin; you know the bit, where everyone starts clapping and talking to the person next to them about what just happened or about random other things. I clench my fist, close my mouth, and I punch myself square in the balls. I cringed but it worked, it was an instant floppy.
Ironically enough, we ran out of time for presenting that day, so I guess that was a little bit un-necessary, but if there is one thing I’m self-conscious about its my cock.
Life has never really been good for me; I mean my first girlfriend was a total disaster, schizophrenic and everything. She also had a penis. I although I always thought it was cute when she talked to herself, but I guess you never know with women these days, with their fake tits and their Botox.
I took her out to a nice dinner….. cost me around $70! I even got her back to my place, my parents were on vacation, I had candles and some nice Elton John picked out, I was even gonna let her see my “rocket-man”. Heh I’m clever. It all started with a youth group.
My parents always forced me to go to church, until one day I just go so sick and tired I yelled at the priest while he was in the middle of his sermon. “This is madness!” were his last words before I broke out into a cheap 300 movie sequence. It could have been worse I mean, I could have kicked him.
That ended my church goings, but they still wanted me to be influenced by God in some way or another, and that’s when youth groups came into play. I mean I’m not sure what they were thinking like stick a bunch of teenagers together and make the worship a God? Like hell that would work, but whatever, I went mainly ‘cause I heard there was women there.
And that’s where I met Danny the Tranny (I kill me hahahaha). Her full name was Daniel Scutzofrick, but let’s save the technicalities for later. We got pared up into this ice-breaker type game where we had to act out in different ways. I chose to give myself A.D.D. I figured she chose schizophrenia. I remember thinking to myself, wow she’s really good at this. I found her entertaining, and I decided to ask her out.
We dated for a few months. Although the first time I noticed something odd was when we were at the movies. The fourth Star Wars film just came out and we got a theater all to ourselves thanks to hook ups I had. We were kissing, grasping, and even fondling each other, when I felt something pushing up against my stomach (she was on my lap remember). Although I figured she was just wearing a belt buckle, or maybe she was just loose or something, then again this was the first girl I was ever with so I didn’t think too much of it.
One year passed and she got very attached to me. Well at least half of her did. I often found myself dodging knives. I figured it was just a sort of game she liked to play. One minute she’d be all over me like Michael Jackson on Macaulay Culkin, and then the next it was like I turned into Bill Cosby and she was Kramer. However I found it attractive, a woman being that assertive.
Then came time for the two year anniversary, my parents were out of town on some business thing, and I decided to take her out to Kelsey’s, from what I understand they make good times last? So we went there and damn she looked good. I got them to play her favorite song too. Ironically enough it was super-freak.
I basically kick down the door with my ass while we’re making out, when I tell her to wait two seconds. I sprint up stairs and grab some cologne, and I then light my room on fire to a certain extend to the candles are lit. She comes parading up the stairs and we go onto my bed, when she pulls down her pants and I pull out a rubber. She thanks me, and takes it, and I’m like, “What? Ha…ha…?”
She was heart broken, I’m not sure why though, maybe when I puked on her. That’s also when I realized she was schizophrenic. She was balling her eyes out when suddenly, she started laughing, whispering “Freedom…FREEDOM!” She fucking lunges at me with a poker stick for a fire place, and now I realize she isn’t playing around. Thankfully she was a klutz, and well she fell down the stairs and broke her ankle.
Stunned by this I decided to piss on her, and then call the police. She now lives in West Virginia Penitentiary, where her days are very routine, and lonely. But hey at least she can talk to herself right?
My History Of Video Games.
My History Of Video Games
Nintendo:
It all started with NES. Yeah fuck Atari that shit sucks. I had NES I loved it, I played Mario and Zelda, but it was mainly hazy. But fuck it, I wanted the super Nintendo, and I got my super Nintendo and I love that thing like a free prostitute So I played super Nintendo, and I have to say I definitely got my moneys worth, I mean I’ve beaten every game I own at least once.
But then came N64, or Nintendo 64. This really was a big deal cause it was in 3D, and at the time I didn’t really care about how shitty everything looked, it was in 3D. The sad part was, every game was just super Nintendo games with 64 shat out on the end, and crammed into 3D. It was an okay system, but it wasn’t worth selling my NES to get it.
But apparently Nintendo wasn’t done stealing my soul, they had to make a NINTENDO GAMECUBE, which was far from clever. At least they fixed the GOD awful layout of the N64 controller. Ever try playing Resident Evil 2 on an N64? It would actually be easier to survive a zombie apocalypse, then use the N64 remote, the controls are like, C-Up+Z+UP+L+R to move forward. I hated it so much.
Anyway back to the ‘cube. The gamecube was basically a better looking N64. During its first three years it was a pretty solid system, I mean sure it didn’t have DVD player like XBOX and PS2, but it was still nice. And at least they had the common decency to come up with some original names unlike, MARIO 64, or STAR FOX 64. I’d say the gamecubes best games were, Smash Bros., Luigis Mansion, Metal Gear Solid, Mario Sunshine, and….. wait there were other games? (Normally I would include Resident Evil 4 but the thing is, it has been ported to every god damn electronic that has the capability to play games.)
So after roughly five years, I had stopped playing my ‘cube and I had just been waiting for Zelda Twilight Princess to arrive, but instead they just delayed it for years and years. They had Zelda announced before the Nintendo Revolution was even coming out.
Nintendo had announced a new gaming console, I was hyped up and super pumped, I was hoping the Nintendo revolution, would be a revolution. And then one faithful Sunday morning, a Nintendo Power arrived in my mailbox stating a name change, to the Nintendo Wii. A few dozen penis jokes later, this name grew on me.
Now Wii is a hard console to describe (No pun intended you pervert), I mean it has had its hits, but will there be more, and will they actually use the motion sensing for more then retarded 3rd company movie based games *cough* happy feet *cough*. All I know is, I enjoy my Trauma Center, and my Mario Galaxy, and my Super Paper Mario, and my Brawl.
Portable Gaming Systems
So this may seem like a lot of money to spend on games, but this is barely scratching the surface. I haven’t even shown the dent in my wallet. This is where I wasted many funds. The year was 1996 and I was dyeing for a Game boy, I mean it was portable Nintendo, what’s not love. How about EVERYTHING. I mean not only did they system weigh 800 pounds, but this bitch took 4 double-A batteries at a time, just so it could out put its 2 colors (like a yellowish green, and a black), and its stereo sound. You also had to tilt it into the light just to see, although it was pretty cool to change the yellow-green, and black around by tilting it strangely.
Although while you weren’t asking your parents for money for some new double-A’s batteries, it did have some things for entertaining you. Like the Mario Land games, Tetris, Pokemon, and Wario Land, I mean that’s all I had. This system is barely a memory in my mind. I didn’t really care that well, what I do remember though, was the transition over to Game Boy color. Biggest waste of money I’ve ever had.
The Game Boy Color wasn’t even that revolutionary, I mean Nintendo did was make it TINY, and of course add color. They also halved the cost of batteries. This thing only took two batteries. And it had backwards compatablility. Oh joy. Yay. I’m so excited. They tried pawning off making older games colored but they really didn’t, they just added in cheap color changes so instead of black it would be a blueish tint.
The sound was downgraded to MONO which was dick, and the screen was the same size, plus you still had to tilt it towards the light. This was the only way I’d get a tan. My neck was almost as brown as Kyle Olivera. I loved it, but really it wasn’t special, it was just cool for Zelda, and Pokemon games. This upgrade alone cost me like 200$. Like what the fuck was I thinking, YAY Shitting Graphics, Bad Storylines, God Awful Colors, Neck Cramps, and only for the low price of $200 at least.
Nintendo still wanted to eat my wallet. So they decided to make the Game Boy Advance. Ok everybody chill the fuck out here for three seconds, and take a breather because this is the WORST BY FAR money waster. Nintendo made a gameboy advance, which had super Nintendo graphics. I fucking loved this system since I loved my Snes so much. So I begged and pleaded and I finally got it for only $300. The sound was awesome and so was the gameplay but it still took TWO double-A batteries, and it still needed to be tilted into a light. But whatever, it was my favorite portable system. With backwards compatability, and a larger screen, I was addicted to this like a poor kid on crack.
I had megaman, and Mario, and shit fuck you, there are too many great games to name. But here is where Nintendo becomes heartless bastards. After two years, THE GAME BOY ADVANCE SP. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS BITCH IS FUCKING REAL YEAH MOFUCKA. FUCK YEAH, IT HAD A FLIPPY SCREEN, AND A FUCKING CHARGER BATTERY YEAH, AND THEY ADDED A LIGHT. That’s right folks, for $300 more, you got a light in the back of you game, and a charger. The saddest part was I BOUGHT IT, AND LOVED IT. This is when I ditched the original Game Boy Advance.
But the saddest part was, it wasn’t even Nintendo last attempt at keeping this Game Boy alive, was with the GAME BOY MICRO. This was a Game Boy Advance SP, but really small, and shitty for $215 roughly. Now I can only imagine what went on in the board room. Hello ladies and gentleman, we need a new idea. Hey how about we come up with a new console. Or we could make another gameboy advance. Hmmm so a new console eh? That’s a great id- NO YOU FIRED YOU DUMB BITCH, ANOTHER GAMEBOY YEAH! SHIT YES! WE’LL MAKE ANOTHER GAMEBOY! GAME BOY RULES! YEAH. What will we do that’s different? I know we could make it smaller and dumber. But we need a new commercial, DUDE “MOUSES” ARE SMALL! LIKE THE MICRO, LETS MAKE THE MOUSE HUMP THE MICRO, ITS STUPID AND FUNNY AND WHO DOESN’T LOVE MOUSE JIZZ ON THEIR GAME BOY.
This is the first time I said, NO to Nintendo.
Then came the war, the brutal war; Nintendo VS Sony. Nintendo had announced a new game console, dropping the GAME BOY title, they called it the NINTENDO DS. And for once I didn’t beg my parents for it. I bought it off a friend for 50 bucks. Which was nice, I mean, It could only play GAME BOY advance games, and DS games, but who cares, GBC and Game Boy sucked to be honest. It was a good deal all in all.
Anyway this was the first 3D portable system. It has some okay games. Mario is kinda fun, so is the few mega man games. But meh, s’alright, its no GBA.
This is in my opinion where Sony kicked ass. They made their system, and it was really cool, although they had a joystick, that sucked massive balls. PSP is the name of their system, and well it uses really breakable disks. But at the same time, PSP was hackable. And it wasn’t even hard. They gave you the ability to put every console on there. So really this is my favorite thing ever, because it is every video game system put together. So fuck you, best investment I’ve ever made. Its also 3D with a backlight, but seriously I could suck the PSP’s dick all day so I’ll stop here.
Sony
Since I was a child when Snes, was around I was never really exposed to console wars, I just stuck with Nintendo, but when I hit nine, that all changed. The Sony Playstation was released and boy did that surprise me. It not only played 3D games, but! It had a BUILT IN CD PLAYER. WOAH SPIFFY. I mainly got this because Geoff did, and ma did I enjoy it, I remember the first time I played the metal gear solid demo, it was like finally being able to ride a bike.
But the PSX was just a taster for the newer console the PLAYSTATION 2! This is everyone’s favorite console, I mean almost everyone has one. It was pretty sweet, it was like a game cube with better graphics and more badass games. Like seriously when I heard about Metal Gear Solid 2 & 3 I basically shit myself. Like seriously I jizzed 800 times with both of them. It also had a built in DVD player, which is one reason I bought one for my room.
After its very successful launch Sony decided to make a PS3, which everyone would have assumed to be the greatest thing ever, like most people would assume it’d be like peanut butter and chocolate, but it was more like a penis and a toaster. When this thing came out it was full of problems. I mean it had the shittiest launch in history.
Thankfully Blu-ray won the format war, and now the PS3 is actually doing farely well, and hopefully it will be the next ps2. Plus it has Metal Gear Solid 4, I’m about ready to cry from tension. Good Luck MGS4.
Microsoft
So what is really left to talk about? I’ve already gone over Sony and Nintendo, oh wait there is that sad little pathetic company some know as microshit. I mean seriously I’m not a fanboy or anything but enough is enough, and it doesn’t take a blind person to see what happened.
Console gaming has always been more popular then PC gaming, so Microsoft decided to try and make a console. The XBOX. Why its called the XBOX? No one knows, but the best logical explanation I’ve ever heard is from a man called unaware steve, X STANDS FOR THE FUTURE. And I sure hope this isn’t the future because that would be we go really down hill.
Now XBOX was an alright system, I mean they had a remake of Conkers Bad Fur Day, and they had a Metal Gear Solid game, but other then that xbox has really no games. Oh right theres also that overrated FPS Halo. But I’ll save that rant for another time.
The XBOX also had a DVD player, which btw sucked, and they had the worst controller design ever made. I mean sure N64 goofed because they made a controller designed for someone with three arms, Microsoft decided to make a controller for someone with GIANT HANDS. I mean seriously the XBOX had controllers that weighed 9999 pounds. I mean seriously wtf were they thinking. They also made some DUMBASS fucking button outlines. Like seriously, they basically copied the control layout of a PS2, and made it super shitty, with giant round buttons, and they added some really stupid buttons.
The normal controller has a pause and a select button, I mean even wii does, they called it minus and plus. But the XBOX has the WHITE and BLACK buttons, as well as a start button. Now this could have put them somewhere nice on a controller and they did for the first model, but then instead of keeping them near the top of the controller they moved them down by were your hand is grasping the controller. I mean seriously WHAT THE LIVING ASS FUCK WHERE THEY THINKING. But I have to remain calm here. Cause this isn’t the worst thing Microsoft has done.
Well ladies and gentleman, its the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the last gaming console I’ve ever owned, the most biggest waste of money, the dumbest most needless console ever made. The XBOX 360.
Now most of you are probably thinking, Mav you’re a crazy bitch 360 is a good system. Well let me explain. For starters, there was an impending console war coming up between the Wii, 360, and the PS3. So XBOX continuing their trend of random stupid names the decided to add the 360 on the end. Not a 2 a 360. So normally you’d think it’d be a sphere right? Or it’d be really rounded? Cause a 360 degree is a circle? Well no you’re wrong. Maybe 360 stands for how many Mexicans they had to hire to make this bundle of shit.
Anyway Microsoft was scared of this new console war, they were practically pulling an Otacon and pissing everywhere. Since PS2 did everything XBOX did, but better, they wanted to push ahead their 36- before the PS3 to avoid further shame. And what did that bring us? A better controller design and a whole lotta problems.
I mean sure the controller was smaller slicker and wireless but lets just make a note that its basically identical to a ps2 controller, or a game cube controller. Now lets also look at the problem of how faulty it is.
The RROD or Red Rings of Death is something we all know it coming but we don’t want to accept it, a lot like puberty, or old age. Basically red rings are when your console decides it’s been sucking too many balls to continue and it doesn’t want to read your disks or even start up anymore. It actually quits on you, and red little lights appear around the power button.
Every 360 has this, I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE has this. It has happened to me, and every single one of my friends with a 360. Yeah lovely eh? Its actually built to fail. So what do you have to do? Send it away to Microballs for 12 years and they send you a new “refurbished jewbox 420.” I mean they should have called this the xbox 180, so everyone would turn around if they went to play it. You even have to pay for the online, which is TOTAL BULLSHIT, because your 360 will probably break half way through the period you bought. I mean PS3 gives you online demos for free, 360 charges you for online alone.
Now, that’s not to say 360 is the worst thing ever, I mean the n-gage was made. I’ll bitch aboiut that some other time as well. Anyway, fuck I have so much shit to bitch out later! So back to 360, it does have an impressive library of good games, een though it had a year advantage on everything else, it has Gears of War, Mass Effect, Bioshock, Dead Rising, Halo 3, oh wait NEVERMIND ALL OF THOSE GAMES aside from DEAD RISING WILL PROBABLY BE COMING TO THE PC! WITH BETTER GRAPHICS AND FREE ONLINE! JESUS COCKBALLS! Seirously I don’t even understand Microsoft, they make a console to fight pc and then they release every good game they make on pc aside from Dead Rising, with more content and free online, and better graphics. Honestly this was a good awful pile of dogshit, I hope to God my 360 red rings so I can be freed from this endless typhoon of fecal matter and stale urine.
Fuck you Microsoft, you piece of shit.
Nintendo:
It all started with NES. Yeah fuck Atari that shit sucks. I had NES I loved it, I played Mario and Zelda, but it was mainly hazy. But fuck it, I wanted the super Nintendo, and I got my super Nintendo and I love that thing like a free prostitute So I played super Nintendo, and I have to say I definitely got my moneys worth, I mean I’ve beaten every game I own at least once.
But then came N64, or Nintendo 64. This really was a big deal cause it was in 3D, and at the time I didn’t really care about how shitty everything looked, it was in 3D. The sad part was, every game was just super Nintendo games with 64 shat out on the end, and crammed into 3D. It was an okay system, but it wasn’t worth selling my NES to get it.
But apparently Nintendo wasn’t done stealing my soul, they had to make a NINTENDO GAMECUBE, which was far from clever. At least they fixed the GOD awful layout of the N64 controller. Ever try playing Resident Evil 2 on an N64? It would actually be easier to survive a zombie apocalypse, then use the N64 remote, the controls are like, C-Up+Z+UP+L+R to move forward. I hated it so much.
Anyway back to the ‘cube. The gamecube was basically a better looking N64. During its first three years it was a pretty solid system, I mean sure it didn’t have DVD player like XBOX and PS2, but it was still nice. And at least they had the common decency to come up with some original names unlike, MARIO 64, or STAR FOX 64. I’d say the gamecubes best games were, Smash Bros., Luigis Mansion, Metal Gear Solid, Mario Sunshine, and….. wait there were other games? (Normally I would include Resident Evil 4 but the thing is, it has been ported to every god damn electronic that has the capability to play games.)
So after roughly five years, I had stopped playing my ‘cube and I had just been waiting for Zelda Twilight Princess to arrive, but instead they just delayed it for years and years. They had Zelda announced before the Nintendo Revolution was even coming out.
Nintendo had announced a new gaming console, I was hyped up and super pumped, I was hoping the Nintendo revolution, would be a revolution. And then one faithful Sunday morning, a Nintendo Power arrived in my mailbox stating a name change, to the Nintendo Wii. A few dozen penis jokes later, this name grew on me.
Now Wii is a hard console to describe (No pun intended you pervert), I mean it has had its hits, but will there be more, and will they actually use the motion sensing for more then retarded 3rd company movie based games *cough* happy feet *cough*. All I know is, I enjoy my Trauma Center, and my Mario Galaxy, and my Super Paper Mario, and my Brawl.
Portable Gaming Systems
So this may seem like a lot of money to spend on games, but this is barely scratching the surface. I haven’t even shown the dent in my wallet. This is where I wasted many funds. The year was 1996 and I was dyeing for a Game boy, I mean it was portable Nintendo, what’s not love. How about EVERYTHING. I mean not only did they system weigh 800 pounds, but this bitch took 4 double-A batteries at a time, just so it could out put its 2 colors (like a yellowish green, and a black), and its stereo sound. You also had to tilt it into the light just to see, although it was pretty cool to change the yellow-green, and black around by tilting it strangely.
Although while you weren’t asking your parents for money for some new double-A’s batteries, it did have some things for entertaining you. Like the Mario Land games, Tetris, Pokemon, and Wario Land, I mean that’s all I had. This system is barely a memory in my mind. I didn’t really care that well, what I do remember though, was the transition over to Game Boy color. Biggest waste of money I’ve ever had.
The Game Boy Color wasn’t even that revolutionary, I mean Nintendo did was make it TINY, and of course add color. They also halved the cost of batteries. This thing only took two batteries. And it had backwards compatablility. Oh joy. Yay. I’m so excited. They tried pawning off making older games colored but they really didn’t, they just added in cheap color changes so instead of black it would be a blueish tint.
The sound was downgraded to MONO which was dick, and the screen was the same size, plus you still had to tilt it towards the light. This was the only way I’d get a tan. My neck was almost as brown as Kyle Olivera. I loved it, but really it wasn’t special, it was just cool for Zelda, and Pokemon games. This upgrade alone cost me like 200$. Like what the fuck was I thinking, YAY Shitting Graphics, Bad Storylines, God Awful Colors, Neck Cramps, and only for the low price of $200 at least.
Nintendo still wanted to eat my wallet. So they decided to make the Game Boy Advance. Ok everybody chill the fuck out here for three seconds, and take a breather because this is the WORST BY FAR money waster. Nintendo made a gameboy advance, which had super Nintendo graphics. I fucking loved this system since I loved my Snes so much. So I begged and pleaded and I finally got it for only $300. The sound was awesome and so was the gameplay but it still took TWO double-A batteries, and it still needed to be tilted into a light. But whatever, it was my favorite portable system. With backwards compatability, and a larger screen, I was addicted to this like a poor kid on crack.
I had megaman, and Mario, and shit fuck you, there are too many great games to name. But here is where Nintendo becomes heartless bastards. After two years, THE GAME BOY ADVANCE SP. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS BITCH IS FUCKING REAL YEAH MOFUCKA. FUCK YEAH, IT HAD A FLIPPY SCREEN, AND A FUCKING CHARGER BATTERY YEAH, AND THEY ADDED A LIGHT. That’s right folks, for $300 more, you got a light in the back of you game, and a charger. The saddest part was I BOUGHT IT, AND LOVED IT. This is when I ditched the original Game Boy Advance.
But the saddest part was, it wasn’t even Nintendo last attempt at keeping this Game Boy alive, was with the GAME BOY MICRO. This was a Game Boy Advance SP, but really small, and shitty for $215 roughly. Now I can only imagine what went on in the board room. Hello ladies and gentleman, we need a new idea. Hey how about we come up with a new console. Or we could make another gameboy advance. Hmmm so a new console eh? That’s a great id- NO YOU FIRED YOU DUMB BITCH, ANOTHER GAMEBOY YEAH! SHIT YES! WE’LL MAKE ANOTHER GAMEBOY! GAME BOY RULES! YEAH. What will we do that’s different? I know we could make it smaller and dumber. But we need a new commercial, DUDE “MOUSES” ARE SMALL! LIKE THE MICRO, LETS MAKE THE MOUSE HUMP THE MICRO, ITS STUPID AND FUNNY AND WHO DOESN’T LOVE MOUSE JIZZ ON THEIR GAME BOY.
This is the first time I said, NO to Nintendo.
Then came the war, the brutal war; Nintendo VS Sony. Nintendo had announced a new game console, dropping the GAME BOY title, they called it the NINTENDO DS. And for once I didn’t beg my parents for it. I bought it off a friend for 50 bucks. Which was nice, I mean, It could only play GAME BOY advance games, and DS games, but who cares, GBC and Game Boy sucked to be honest. It was a good deal all in all.
Anyway this was the first 3D portable system. It has some okay games. Mario is kinda fun, so is the few mega man games. But meh, s’alright, its no GBA.
This is in my opinion where Sony kicked ass. They made their system, and it was really cool, although they had a joystick, that sucked massive balls. PSP is the name of their system, and well it uses really breakable disks. But at the same time, PSP was hackable. And it wasn’t even hard. They gave you the ability to put every console on there. So really this is my favorite thing ever, because it is every video game system put together. So fuck you, best investment I’ve ever made. Its also 3D with a backlight, but seriously I could suck the PSP’s dick all day so I’ll stop here.
Sony
Since I was a child when Snes, was around I was never really exposed to console wars, I just stuck with Nintendo, but when I hit nine, that all changed. The Sony Playstation was released and boy did that surprise me. It not only played 3D games, but! It had a BUILT IN CD PLAYER. WOAH SPIFFY. I mainly got this because Geoff did, and ma did I enjoy it, I remember the first time I played the metal gear solid demo, it was like finally being able to ride a bike.
But the PSX was just a taster for the newer console the PLAYSTATION 2! This is everyone’s favorite console, I mean almost everyone has one. It was pretty sweet, it was like a game cube with better graphics and more badass games. Like seriously when I heard about Metal Gear Solid 2 & 3 I basically shit myself. Like seriously I jizzed 800 times with both of them. It also had a built in DVD player, which is one reason I bought one for my room.
After its very successful launch Sony decided to make a PS3, which everyone would have assumed to be the greatest thing ever, like most people would assume it’d be like peanut butter and chocolate, but it was more like a penis and a toaster. When this thing came out it was full of problems. I mean it had the shittiest launch in history.
Thankfully Blu-ray won the format war, and now the PS3 is actually doing farely well, and hopefully it will be the next ps2. Plus it has Metal Gear Solid 4, I’m about ready to cry from tension. Good Luck MGS4.
Microsoft
So what is really left to talk about? I’ve already gone over Sony and Nintendo, oh wait there is that sad little pathetic company some know as microshit. I mean seriously I’m not a fanboy or anything but enough is enough, and it doesn’t take a blind person to see what happened.
Console gaming has always been more popular then PC gaming, so Microsoft decided to try and make a console. The XBOX. Why its called the XBOX? No one knows, but the best logical explanation I’ve ever heard is from a man called unaware steve, X STANDS FOR THE FUTURE. And I sure hope this isn’t the future because that would be we go really down hill.
Now XBOX was an alright system, I mean they had a remake of Conkers Bad Fur Day, and they had a Metal Gear Solid game, but other then that xbox has really no games. Oh right theres also that overrated FPS Halo. But I’ll save that rant for another time.
The XBOX also had a DVD player, which btw sucked, and they had the worst controller design ever made. I mean sure N64 goofed because they made a controller designed for someone with three arms, Microsoft decided to make a controller for someone with GIANT HANDS. I mean seriously the XBOX had controllers that weighed 9999 pounds. I mean seriously wtf were they thinking. They also made some DUMBASS fucking button outlines. Like seriously, they basically copied the control layout of a PS2, and made it super shitty, with giant round buttons, and they added some really stupid buttons.
The normal controller has a pause and a select button, I mean even wii does, they called it minus and plus. But the XBOX has the WHITE and BLACK buttons, as well as a start button. Now this could have put them somewhere nice on a controller and they did for the first model, but then instead of keeping them near the top of the controller they moved them down by were your hand is grasping the controller. I mean seriously WHAT THE LIVING ASS FUCK WHERE THEY THINKING. But I have to remain calm here. Cause this isn’t the worst thing Microsoft has done.
Well ladies and gentleman, its the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the last gaming console I’ve ever owned, the most biggest waste of money, the dumbest most needless console ever made. The XBOX 360.
Now most of you are probably thinking, Mav you’re a crazy bitch 360 is a good system. Well let me explain. For starters, there was an impending console war coming up between the Wii, 360, and the PS3. So XBOX continuing their trend of random stupid names the decided to add the 360 on the end. Not a 2 a 360. So normally you’d think it’d be a sphere right? Or it’d be really rounded? Cause a 360 degree is a circle? Well no you’re wrong. Maybe 360 stands for how many Mexicans they had to hire to make this bundle of shit.
Anyway Microsoft was scared of this new console war, they were practically pulling an Otacon and pissing everywhere. Since PS2 did everything XBOX did, but better, they wanted to push ahead their 36- before the PS3 to avoid further shame. And what did that bring us? A better controller design and a whole lotta problems.
I mean sure the controller was smaller slicker and wireless but lets just make a note that its basically identical to a ps2 controller, or a game cube controller. Now lets also look at the problem of how faulty it is.
The RROD or Red Rings of Death is something we all know it coming but we don’t want to accept it, a lot like puberty, or old age. Basically red rings are when your console decides it’s been sucking too many balls to continue and it doesn’t want to read your disks or even start up anymore. It actually quits on you, and red little lights appear around the power button.
Every 360 has this, I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE has this. It has happened to me, and every single one of my friends with a 360. Yeah lovely eh? Its actually built to fail. So what do you have to do? Send it away to Microballs for 12 years and they send you a new “refurbished jewbox 420.” I mean they should have called this the xbox 180, so everyone would turn around if they went to play it. You even have to pay for the online, which is TOTAL BULLSHIT, because your 360 will probably break half way through the period you bought. I mean PS3 gives you online demos for free, 360 charges you for online alone.
Now, that’s not to say 360 is the worst thing ever, I mean the n-gage was made. I’ll bitch aboiut that some other time as well. Anyway, fuck I have so much shit to bitch out later! So back to 360, it does have an impressive library of good games, een though it had a year advantage on everything else, it has Gears of War, Mass Effect, Bioshock, Dead Rising, Halo 3, oh wait NEVERMIND ALL OF THOSE GAMES aside from DEAD RISING WILL PROBABLY BE COMING TO THE PC! WITH BETTER GRAPHICS AND FREE ONLINE! JESUS COCKBALLS! Seirously I don’t even understand Microsoft, they make a console to fight pc and then they release every good game they make on pc aside from Dead Rising, with more content and free online, and better graphics. Honestly this was a good awful pile of dogshit, I hope to God my 360 red rings so I can be freed from this endless typhoon of fecal matter and stale urine.
Fuck you Microsoft, you piece of shit.
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