Who Am I?

Who Am I

I stared into the mirror at myself with a feeling of futility. Every thought, every ideal, every god damn belief I ever harbored was fornicated by the long cock of reality. I was nothing more than some fucking living corpse, a doll with a soul, defining the term living with a heartbeat. But a heartbeat isn’t life; there’s so much more to it than that.

Acceptance. It was something I struggled a lot with when I was younger. I always bought new things, changed my desires, and morphed my personality accordingly to hopefully get the slightest bit of recognition, just the slightest feeling of approval from her. And one day, it finally did, I finally got the look I longed so long for and after that, it was like a drug. I needed it more and more, so I tried harder and harder to get her blessing, and you know, sometimes I actually would get it, and it would mean the world to me.

My changes became more and more drastic; I kept trying to trump my last attempt. Before I knew it I was a completely different person; and yet I was a person she loved. A kiss from her sealed my feelings away, locked them in a cage; froze whatever doubts I had. The old me was gone, and the new me remained supreme. And I didn’t miss the old me either, all I cared about was her affection.

However everything comes to an end, and I wish I would have realized this before I dumped my old persona in the trash. Eventually her affection grew tiresome as did my persona. I made my attempts, but nothing seemed to impress- she needed a new mint to freshen up her life- and before I knew it, she was gone.

I stared blankly into this mirror wondering, who the fuck am I, and what the hell am I doing? I stepped into the bathtub, the waters temperature matched the feelings of my innards; cold like a winters day. My skin became numbed and eventually I could not move. Bubbles started popping off the surface of the water as my head slowly laid itself to rest at the bottom of the bathtub. 

Who Am I..