I Am The Jesus of Death

The Jesus of Death

Last week a strange phenomenon happened; one of biblical proportions; I killed a fish, twice. In our science class each student had to create an ecosystem with a group of three containing 3 feeder fish, and 6 snails. Our ecosystem collapsed twice killing two of the fish also soiling our water, and after a few days, our remaining fish seemed to be giving in. 

This fish kept sinking to the bottom of the ecosystem. My theory was, the water is to filthy for him to survive, we have to switch him out of this water into cleaner water. So I managed to fish him out of the water, and he was in the little fishing net thing. But I wasn't fast enough. Our guppy had perished by my hand. 

Enraged by this I left the fish on the desk out of water, for about an hour or so due to the fact that our class had to attend an assembly. So the assembly ends, and we march back to class and I get the idea of putting the fish back in water, and strangely enough, it starts swimming again! I mean it was flopping and wiggling its little tail back and forth. 

This seemed to be a miracle, but the water was still to dirty to house the fish, so once again I tried to maneuver the fish into a separate bowl of cleaner water. However learning from the mistakes I had made the previous time, I made the cleaner water easier to access so that the fish would be out of the water for a shorter period of time. 

The resurrected fish was transferred successfully into a new tank and he seemed to be doing okay at first. But then it all changed. He started his sinking pattern once more. Slowly but surely he sank to the bottom of the water. He then passed away once more, but this time, it was for good. 

It turns out the fish died from the drastic change in water temperature, even though it was only a few degrees colder then the original temperature, the fish could not take it. I then proceeded in moving the dead corpse into a new fish tank where the bigger fish could use him as a snack. 

This is how I am The Jesus of Death.

The First Decent Thing I've Written.

One Day


Light rays beamed onto my eyelids as I slept there, angered by this the first thought to ring in my head was, "Damn!" If the sun was waking me up then that must mean there was no alarm. As I stood up I decided to check the time, I might be able to make it to work on time, but of course it was already quarter to noon. I grasped the phone tightly licking my lips looking for something to drink. I decided then that I would be better off if I just called in sick.

Then while finishing a small glass of water some urge came over me, I'm not sure what but it was strong. It was at this time- for the first time in my life- that I might have an oral fixation, so I then searched my house for some gum. To my surprise my house had absolutely not one stick of gum. I dragged my body over to a jar where I keep my spare change, saying, "I want my gum, and damn right I'm gonna get it!" My words were shattered when I realized, my cash bowl was out of change.

If I had no money in my cash jar I would find some around my house, and thus the search for change began. Had looked everywhere all having no meaning, but I did find a variety of lost goods, watches, magazines, coupons, TV remotes, but only one mattered to me, and I found that object under my couch- my wallet-.

The roar of my engine shook my body like and earthquake as I pushed down the pedal. Of course as if my day could get any worse I got stuck at every traffic light on the way there, and I got held up by a train, but not just any train, one being driven by some asshole who thinks its funny to reverse right when he's almost done. Enraged by this I decided to honk my horn; it wasn't long before we had a group of people honking along. One of the horns had a very unique sound; like the jingle for a commercial. It soon passed and I continued on my way to get some gum.

As I entered the door to the variety store I heard a ding, which was expected, but the thing I was not expecting was to see a man in a mask holding up the store clerk. I did a 180 turn and almost made it out, soon enough the gun was pointed at me, and at this time the shop keep pulled out a rifle, and pointed it at the crook. "I seem to have all the luck today," I said with a hint of sass. The crook was told to put his weapon down, and the police arrested him. I later learned the clerk's name, Jenny.

Jenny and I later decided to go see a movie. The popcorn was over priced and I could have sworn I saw something move the popcorn, but I didn't whine because I wanted to make a good first impression. As we sat in the movie I let out a loud but quiet yawn as I stretched out my arms. She then asked if this was a lame ploy so that I could get my arm around her, "If I wanted to do that I would do something along these lines."

I stood up and left the theatre for a moment. I used this time to take out popcorn corneal that had been bugging me for the past twenty minutes. I then waltzed back into the theatre and headed back for my seat, faked a stumble and I put my arm around her chair for balance. "I would do that."

After the movie in the lobby of the theatre I asked which she preferred chocolate, or vanilla, which was followed by the question is this your way of flirting? All I said was "do you want it to be?" and she laughed. She then got into her car, and headed home. I went to do the same.

As I returned to my car I was amazed to see that all of my tires were slashed. I quietly said one phrase to myself, "it could be raining," which wasn't the smartest thing to do, because by saying that it of course made it rain. So I walked home in the rain hoping my car wouldn't get toed. I finally got undressed and as I was just lying in bed, my alarm went off, and I opened my eyes.


(I wrote this a little over a year ago, and it was (in my opinion) the first decent thing I've written.

I Can't Make Eggs.

I Can't Make Eggs

Christina: Mavvvvv my babyyyyy, how ya feelin?

QMav: I'm feeling pretty good, ‘cept I wasted some eggs

Christina: How?

QMav: Well it all starts with a movie, and last night. So I’m sitting on my computer talking to an exceptionally pretty girl when she says she needs some sleep, ‘cause she’s skiing and she has some church function to go to. So I say to myself, “Well I’ll let her go.” Cause I’m a modest Gentleman. And she goes away, I shed a single manly tear, eat some pudding, go downstairs
and pop in a movie I rented based only on the main actor, who is none other then Ryan Reynolds.

So I’m watching this movie and its basically a guy burning some clothing, it was entertaining
he then drives up to some kids and asks for some crack, they give him crack, he picks up a whore, she shows him how to use the crack, they go loopy. Then he gets arrested and sentenced to house arrest because instead of just burning his ex girlfriends stuff, he burnt her house down too. So he has house arrest and he’s stuck inside someone else’s house for house arrest cause I guess he’s homeless or something, and then yeah the movie was divided into three parts, and I got to about part two before I fell asleep, but when I awoke I decided to finish watching this movie and it ended and I liked it and there were many plot twists, and confusing uncomprehendable parts. But hey I liked it, and we should go see it, BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THE MOVIE.

Christina: LOL

QMav: I finally decide to wake up and I wobble up onto my feet, and I stumble a little
I realize my legs are super uber weak because I haven’t used them in a while so I’m all stumbly
I start trying to make a plan for my day which I’ve already fucked up mind you and well
I say, “I guess I’ll piss first, so I go do my business, then I realize I'm starving, and not like “man I could eat a burger” kinda hungry, like I'm actually starving I mean my stomach, felt skinnier. As if I wanted it to go out more but it wouldn't. That’s how hungry I am.

So basically I go upstairs and look for food and I say to myself, “I can make eggs, I mean look at them I gotta have some substance right?” Even though I’d be fine with pudding, it looks so good
but I guess I’ll have some eggs. So I try and remember like ten years ago when my grandma was all, “Mav I’m going to teach you how to make eggs.” ‘Cause that’s all I could make cause she showed me and I felt like the shit cause all my friends were like, “I had cereal for breakfast and I made it on my own!” and I was all “FUCK YOU, I can make eggs!” Okay, so yeah I think back and I remember once I was going to make my parents breakfast in bed and I remember I forgot to butter the bowl and the eggs got all stuck to it so I'm like.... BUTTER THE BOWL! So do that
which was pretty easy and I grab an egg I crack it and I dump it into my cooking bowl thing
and I’m like, “Well this doesn't look like breakfast, I think I’m missing something,” so I grab the milk and I'm like, “Should I measure it?” ... Oh well not like it matters I mean its not like I’d know how much to put in anyway.

So I kinda guestimate how much to put in and I guess I put in too much cause like the egg was drowning and stuff so I’m like maybe if I increase the egg to milk ratio I can save the egg. So I crack its unborn brother into the milk and it starts drowning too, so I'm like now I’m missing something maybe I should add another ingredient I think there is something more to scrambled eggs aside from milk and eggs… Hmm oh well, so I dump some pepper and salt in so now it just looks kinda black like spots there’s little itty bitty spots on my eggs and I'm like well this already looks wrong I guess I'll stir it. 
So I do and it goes like this creamy mocha color, so I'm like well I guess I can't do much more for it lets roast the motherfucker! So I cram it in the microwave for like 1 and a half minutes
and it starts cooking, and I’m like, “Well who says you can't have dessert before the meal
is it a law?” I mean honestly I’m gonna eat them both anyway right? That’s what I’m thinking as I’m eating a pudding watching my eggs cook. 

One second, I have to put something in to eat, ok I’m back, I hope to God you're reading all of this. So anyway my eggs finish cooking just as I finish eating my pudding and I throw my pudding garbage out and check out my eggs hoping to God they look normal and to my surprise
they do. Although they're a bit milk colored they look eatable. So I’m like well lets scramble them
and I do and its all liquid—ee at the bottom so I'm like well that sucks I guess I’ll put it in for another minute. 

So I do and I wait wondering if I should eat another pudding, but I don't. And the little buzzer thing on the microwave goes off so I'm like, “That’s good I can eat now, I'm starving and I open up the thing and I hear like an explosion or something coming from my eggs and I duck and I’m like, “WTF, WHY ARE MY EGGS EXPLODING!!!” And then I’m like well I guess they're done exploding right?

WRONG! THEY EXPLODE AGAIN! And I’m like, “CLOSE DOOR!” So I close the microwave door
and I hear a couple more explosions, so I’m like, “I'm just gonna let that settle down.” So that’s when I decide to turn on the computer WHICH COMPLETELY RUINED MY PLANS! 

So I wait a few minutes and go back to my eggs, stir it around, and now they look slightly dry, and I take a bite, and it tastes just like egg yolk, like that’s really gross, so I don't eat it, and I throw it out, and that’s how i wasted two eggs this morning.

Facing Restrooms

Restrooms

I faced a fear today, my fear of public restrooms. I hate public restrooms, their stupid and redundant, but I’ve already explained my hatred for the restroom numerous times so I’m going to skip that part.

Is it wrong to go for the handicap stall? I mean that is the first stall I look for mainly because it’s bigger, but there are more hooks, and well it’s just better in general. Also I found out a newer way to sit on the seat. Position your legs so that each leg is on each side of the gap, like a chair.
Although this lets the stink out, and it feels weird to poop with your legs open, it works very well in comparison to the older technique in which your legs jab into the other stall.

Strange story actually, while I was sitting there, over the course of five minutes a man came into the bathroom, and he sat in the stall next to me. He finished before me, and it was strange because I had like four minutes on him. I started to wonder if he had wiped or not. He didn’t even wash his hands. Weird eh?

Anyway this is the end for now,
Making your next shit that much better,

                                                                     QMav.